(Reposted with thanks from Huffington Post)

I have no idea how to do this.

I realize this truth at some point every day. When it hits me, I get roller-coaster belly and jelly knees, as the ground I thought I was standing on is suddenly gone. All that I had so proudly figured out yesterday no longer applies today. The knowledge that I’m flying blind, winging it, somehow left in charge of the entire well-being of this tiny human, is petrifying.

Before I had a baby I was barely able to keep plants alive. In fact, I prided myself on it. I was too full of myself, my work, to attend to the needs of dependents. I never babysat, didn’t have any aspirations for spending large amounts of time with kids and was uncomfortable holding newborns.

But now I have a daughter, a baby girl who is hungry, tired and screaming in the back seat because I still can’t figure out how to run errands, take care of the dog, see friends and get home in time for dinner and a bath before she passes out with tear-streaked cheeks squished against the car seat. At those moments, I close my eyes and tell myself (out loud) that I am not failing at this — but I usually don’t believe it.

This is the terrifying side of motherhood, the underbelly that no one talks about, or at least not in public circles. Sister-to-sister, we share our ugly truths and our deepest fears in our own private confessionals, reserved for those of us who have seen the shadowy side of “perfect mommy.” I liken us to shipwrecked survivors, each struggling on our own private islands, waving to each other as we float by or perhaps calling out a word or two of advice that helped us once.

We send our messages-in-a-bottle out to sea, but there is no real help in sight. It’s completely up to us to either sink or swim.

Then there is the unconscious side of motherhood, or the other 90 percent of the day, when I am just reacting. I don’t have time to consider the bigger picture, to mourn my old boobs or pine for a night out dancing, or to wallow in yesterday’s mistakes. I am unshowered and covered with remnants of quinoa/blueberry mush, and I hardly notice because my child won’t sit still for more than five seconds. Desperate to walk at only 9 months, she hurls herself into the unknown and bumps her head several times a day. With each blow my confidence as a mom drops: Could I have prevented that? Should I be baby-proofing the whole world? Watching her more closely? I can’t even answer my own questions because I am too exhausted to think straight. To be honest, I am so sleep-deprived that I forget really important things, like paying bills and turning off the stove. This short blog has taken me weeks to write.

But I count myself lucky that I have some training for this. I had an early career that prepared me for thinking on my feet and sleeping in short bursts. After years of promoting human rights in areas of armed conflict, those skills alone, honed on the actual battlefield, are helping me survive the unfamiliar landscape of motherhood.

I am doing my best to tread water and stay afloat, but there are many days when I wake up wondering where I’m going to find the strength to keep kicking.

And then there are occasional moments of public shame when I run into a smiling supermom who has somehow lost all of her baby weight, looks like she got eight hours of sleep last night and thinks being a mom is just the greatest job in the world.

“Oh, hi!” she yells loudly across the parking lot. And then, in one quick burst, “Oh my gosh, it’s been forever! How are you? Wow, is this your little girl? How do you like being a mom? Don’t you just love it?”

I throw out my best fake grin (the one that never touches my eyes) and mutter something about how I think I do love it… I mean, I love her… I mean, yeah I like it… a lot… mostly. Then I change the subject, because no one wants to hear about the hard stuff.

And yet when I talk honestly with fellow moms, the truth always comes out. They too are having a difficult time; they too have lost themselves. Lonely and isolated, they too had no idea it would be this hard. In the past few weeks alone, three other moms have asked me to write about it, to reveal the truth behind the mask we so bravely put on each morning. And I am nothing if not a truth-teller, have risked my life several times over to bring information to light, and I suppose this is no different.

Let me put it into perspective:

I once spent five weeks sleeping in three- to five-hour shifts, barely eating or bathing, while monitoring the whereabouts of 70 human rights activists risking their lives on the ground at the Beijing Olympics, protesting for Tibetan independence. Now after nine months of full-time motherhood, I find myself longing for the personal freedoms I had during that Olympic Campaign.

Before motherhood I had no idea what real sacrifice looked like, which is saying something when you consider that I spent time in Chinese detention, was kidnapped in Sri Lanka and held at gunpoint by rebels in the Congo. From my unique point of view, three sleepless days of interrogation by the Chinese police was much, much easier than this.

As an activist, I got to choose when and where I offered my help and my time. When I felt spent, I would tag-out, taking my turn to rest and recuperate. My life was full of new and exciting experiences, traveling to places few people have seen, making choices and decisions on a whim, exploring, activating, accomplishing big goals. I was the destroyer of routine, determined not to fall asleep at the wheel of life.

But now I reign queen in the land of routine. Cultivating plans weeks in advance, thinking about dinner at 10:30 in the morning, rushing home for a 5:30 bath like the world depended on it. I do it because my daughter needs it, because her world does depend on it. She laughs and flaps her arms with joy when she recognizes people and places; she feels safe and sleeps better when we go through our pre-bedtime ritual. She loves doing the same thing over and over again.

The more I surrender to this merry-go-round existence, the easier the whole parenthood thing becomes — but the foggier my life becomes.

People used to ask me if I was scared to do the work I do, traveling in and out of war zones, tempting fate. And I would say, “Yeah, of course I’m scared. But I’m more afraid not to do it, to fall asleep and miss my life while doing the same thing everyday just because it’s safe.”

In her excellent book “Making Space for Children,” Virginia Hilliker writes to parents, “Good news: Each moment is new,” meaning that as parents we have the opportunity to relate to the world through our children, with fresh eyes, from moment to moment. Regardless of yesterday’s missteps, we can start fresh each day, each moment. People spend years in meditation trying to gain this very view of the world.

And this, I’m learning, is the difference.

My fear of routine, of each day resembling the next, is obliterated by the wondrous beginner’s mind that my baby exhibits. After months of taking a bath in the same tub, she suddenly discovers the drain and learns that she can pull the plug and become the master of water! This realization manifests as a wide-eyed, two-tooth smile that quickly becomes a raucous laughter that shakes her entire being. Tonight’s bath is new.

This is why I fell in love with traveling. Waking up each day in a different place, with new sounds and new tastes, makes you feel alive as the world around you suddenly appears in Technicolor. It is addicting and exciting to surround yourself with the unknown.

I would often experience culture shock upon retuning home to the U.S., falling into a depression at the complete lack of luster I felt in familiar surroundings. I longed to be tested, to grow with each new sight, to expand my understanding of the world and my place in it… to become the master of water again.

With each new achievement, my daughter is teaching me to remember the wonder that surrounds us. The fact that one surface is hard while the other one is squishy is magical, when you really think about it. The very first taste of mango is divine, and flowers can pop up anywhere, even in the middle of concrete fields. And even though from the outside today looks exactly like yesterday, nothing is the same in her eyes. In fact, everything, everyday, is brand new again.

So for now, this is how I will travel. I will get down on all fours and crawl above her, seeing the world from her perspective, finding amazement in a springy doorstop or the sound of Tupperware on tile. I will strive to approach each bath-time with the anticipation of an early explorer diving into uncharted waters.

This has become my meditation, my practice, as a new mom. I hope it will bring some relief to the other not-so-in-love-with-this moms out there, struggling to find joy amidst the mundane. This is the mantra that I chant through the sleep-deprived haze of my days, trying to remain fascinated about what tomorrow will bring:

“Each moment is new… Each moment is new… Each moment is new.”

Do you have an ugly truth to share? What strategies do you use to transform routine into awakened mind? Let’s start talking about it. Please comment below.

Truthfully,

Kiri Westby
Change-maker/Rule-Breaker/Story-teller

I love how the author hit every nerve (both good and bad ones) with her honest, mature and sensible take on the upcoming Singapore General Election. Would want to see more of these please!

(Reposted with thanks from motherinc.org )

My take on the Singapore General Elections.

by Daphne on April 29, 2011

I’ve been mulling a long time over whether or not to do a post on the General Elections seeing how politics is such a contentious issue and this is after all a happy family blog.

The truth is, I’ve never been this interested in local politics in all my 28 years and this political awakening (if you can call it that) is a big deal for me. Not that I don’t like politics as a whole because I spent days camped out in front of the TV watching CNN during the last few American Presidential elections and my entire Final Year Thesis was on the topic of American politics. I’ve just never been interested in local politics because it seemed like such a lost cause to me. It was always just a bunch of disgruntled old men yelling at other less disgruntled old men – something I had very little interest or time for.

This time though, I’m excited because not only do we finally have a chance to vote (instead of being told we have no options), we’re also seeing young voters being interested in the voting process. I’ve been reading so many political opinions of late that it didn’t seem right to just sit this one out.

For starters, here’s what I’d really like to see in government.

1. I want a government that knows how to man up and say “I’m sorry” when they’ve made a mistake. For example, a mistake on the scale of busting the YOG budget by 3 times needs to be addressed with a decent amount of compunction rather than dismissiveness. With this current crop of PAP leaders, sorry really does seem to be the hardest word. Hey here’s a thought, people are more forgiving when you take responsibility and say “I’m sorry, I messed up big time.” You see, only after I hear the apology, I’ll be ready to hear about all the wonderful things you’ve done in your 5 years in office, not the other way around.

2. I want a government that really listens. The only defense that the PAP constantly falls back on these days is “I know better so just sit down and shut up.” Even if you genuinely believe that your Cambridge degrees and life of entitlement makes you better and smarter than everyone else, it would still do you a lot of good to listen to the struggles of your people. And by listening, I don’t mean walking around a week before election wearing flowers and doing your presidential wave.

3. I want a government that’s accountable. Ok, that’s my beef with a one-party system right there, a complete lack of checks and balances. It may have worked 57 years ago when you were ruling a country who didn’t know any better but we do know better now and one of the pitfalls of such a system is beginning to manifest itself in the form of disconnected, arrogant leaders who assume they have a right to lead just because they have kissed enough bottoms and made the right political connections. Connections like um say, marrying the private secretary of the Prime Minister.

4. I want a government that rises above the need to resort to threats in order to get votes. It’s insulting that you think our votes can be bought by shiny new lifts and a fresh coat of paint. If the price to pay for upgrading is my integrity and sense of justice, I’d much rather walk up that extra flight of steps and carry both my kids to run in the rain, thankyouverymuch. Also, what about your supporters living in these opposition constituencies? It’s a tad mercenary that you would sacrifice them as collateral damage just to prove a point, isn’t it?

5. I want a government that understands the value of humility and servitude. Often, it’s not just what you do but the manner in which you do it that counts. It bugs me that our Ministers talk down to the very people they are supposed to serve just because they don’t share the same opinions. You don’t get to be all high and mighty and demand that Singaporeans kiss the very ground you tread on. After all, we were the ones who put you in office and we will take you out if you alienate enough voters.

To all the people who think that voting the PAP means voting for stability, my only question is this, stability for who? If I were an incompetent Minster drawing $1.4 million of taxpayer’s money annually, I’d be yelling about stability too. I mean, it’d be mighty unstable for me if I had to one day *gasp*, take a ride on a crowded train like all my minions. And then I’d actually have to walk from point to point because where will I ever find the money to have people carry me around on their shoulders while I wear this ridiculous garland around my neck. I can’t be certain but even if Desmond Choo did momentarily lose the use of both his legs, there’s a whole range of fancy motorized wheelchairs that can serve as perfectly good modes of transportation. There’s really no need to rely on a human sedan these days. Last time I checked, you guys were supposed to BE public servants, not HAVE a lot of public servants.

Now lest you think that I’m dissing all the good work our government has done in years gone by, I’m not. I have a lot of respect for MM Lee, SM Goh, PM Lee (Jr) and a select handful of Ministers. I’ll be the first to say that I’m terribly proud of how far Singapore has come with all that was going against us so props to y’all. On my recent flight back from Florida, I was seated next to an elderly American gentleman who was thrilled to be sitting next to a “tiny Asian girl who didn’t take up too much arm room” (exact words, I promise) and decided to reward my lack of size with a spirited discourse about our Minister Mentor’s awesomeness the moment he heard that I was from Singapore. He went on and on about MM Lee’s political acumen, sharp thinking and fabulous policy-making skills. I have to admit that it was nice to know how much respect people all over the world have for one of us. Finally, he asked me “so what do you think of him?” To which I replied, “I agree with everything that you’ve said and even though we sometimes don’t like him very much, he is the single most respected man in all of Singapore.”

That said, I just have a teensy weensy problem with the argument that just because they’ve had a proven track record, we should blindly cast our vote for all the subsequent leaders that they pick out for the sake of stability. First of all, we all know that past successes don’t necessarily guarantee future success. Second, for all their success in ruling the nation with a tight fist, the leaders in PAP don’t seem to be particularly adept at picking the next generation of leaders. If you’re saying that after scouring the entire list of under-30 Singaporeans and the best you can come up with is a Tin Pei Ling, that tells me all I need to know about your selection skills. I have nothing against Pei Ling as a person and I’m sure she’s every bit as saccharine sweet as her photos suggest but I have a lot against her ability to serve the needs of the people. Underneath the hollow-sounding rhetoric she dishes out, I see no substance or even real desire to better the needs of Singaporeans. It seems to me that the only criteria to be selected as a future leader in the PAP is to be able to memorize and regurgitate the party’s rhetoric (that is starting to sound as empty as a big fat black hole of emptiness).

I’m also not surprised by the popularity of her direct opposition candidate, Nicole Seah. After hearing her various speeches and interviews, I am suitably impressed. Yes, I get that she’s even younger, has no track record or experience, gets a little nervy during some of her speeches and is probably this popular only because of the seeming incompetence of Tin Pei Ling. All fair criticisms, but if if I could vote in that constituency, she would still definitely have my vote for the very fundamental reason that she’s got heart – something that’s sorely missing in our incumbent party. I respect the fact that with all her inexperience and practically zero chance of drawing a $13,000 monthly salary, she was willing to offer her candidacy simply because she wanted to make a change for the benefit of the people. Her agenda is not a fat paycheck but to put right the things that have gone so very wrong in our government. I’d go as far as to say that even if she made it into parliament and doesn’t accomplish all the things she set out to, that’s ok because damnit, she tried.

I’m growing tired of hearing the PAP say that change can only come from within. After 57 years as the ruling party, the most notable change I see is in relation to how their paychecks are getting larger. The only way to show that Ministers don’t have to draw an obscene salary from taxpayer’s money is to have brilliant Ministers who are not in it for the money and yet no less committed or capable than those who demand to have their coffers padded.

This is definitely going to be a watershed election and I’m proud to have candidates like Sylvia Lim (in my opinion, the best public speaker in the local politics scene), Low Thia Khiang and Chen Show Mao offering their services to the nation. For the first time, I feel like there’s a chance we as the people have the power to effect change. Instead of sitting around and complaining that things aren’t right and we can’t do anything about it, we see candidates who are willing to step up to the plate to make a difference. And more importantly, we see voters (especially younger ones) who aren’t ignorant or apathetic.

On this note, I’d like to point out that identifying certain glaring faults in the incumbent party does not make one anti-PAP or pro-opposition. Voters are a lot more discerning these days and just because they question some facets of your leadership does not make them the enemy. The bottom line is that I vote for progress and if that comes in the form of non-PAP politicians, that gets my vote. And I can honestly say that if the PAP can indeed bring change from within and address all the issues that have been raised, I’d be happy to be called pro-PAP.

For now though, there are several PAP candidates that don’t deserve a seat in parliament. A lot has been said about the GRC system and for all its merits, it doesn’t seem right that mediocrity is rewarded just because the right alliances are made. To be more precise, it would be a great disservice to Singaporeans if Tin Pei Ling gets a parliamentary seat and Sylvia Lim doesn’t.

In any case, this election is going to be more exciting than an episode of 24.

PS. Also, PAP, just cut it out with the comrades thing. The only people I know who went around calling everyone comrades were perpetrators of genocide. Seriously, just stop it.

Grant Achatz is one of Time magazine’s Top 100 Most Influential People in the world. Being diagnosed with tongue cancer did nothing to stop this culinary prodigy from visionalizing his ambition and passion for greater gastronomy.

I don’t know about you but I’ll save a whole year’s wages just to eat in this restaurant!

It’s been quite a while. The fact that I still remember how to turn on the computer and type this is a miracle by itself.  Do forgive me though, for you see, I’ve been involved in the mega project of colossal scale.

Meet the latest member of the Peonies family!!!

In between endless feedings and diaper changes, I will try to update my beloved blog but if I don’t, you know why (especially all the mommies out there. Btw here’s a long overdue salute!).

You cannot imagine the type of laundry that piles up in this household…

Aunty Scroogey often writes about the “big money”, so I thought it might be a refreshing change to talk about the “small money”. Small money, when accumulated & utilized properly, transforms itself into big money. And I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like big money.

1. Always write down your shopping list, and stick to it. Better still section your grocery list into food, non-food, household needs, toiletries and etc. This way you buy only what you need and save time wondering down the aisles repeatedly.

2. Do your grocery shopping on a weekday. Parking is cheaper, there’s usually no maddening crowds and things are magically easier to find (tried and tested!). A minute saved is a penny gained isn’t it?

3. When reading your daily paper do keep a look out for special deals and promotions. Sometimes savings can really be substantial, especially on frequently purchased essentials like diapers and coffee.

4. Always have your meal before doing your grocery shopping, otherwise be prepared to buy more than you require. Shoppers who go to the supermarket hungry usually end up buying a lot more food (especially junk food) then they really need. <—- the scientists/researchers said this, not me :)

5. You must have heard this one many times. Budget your grocery spendings and stick to it. It is usually a balancing act. If you must have that expensive pate, then buy other items at no frills price. Supermarket house brands are usually just as good as the other established labels because the products are usually from the same source.

6. Cook at home from scratch. Even if you think you can’t, anyone can. Skip the frozen meals aisle and don’t let excuses and your lazy bones tell you otherwise. It doesn’t have to be a fanciful 3 course dinner everyday. A simple pasta bologna serves its purpose of being nutritious, wholesome and cheap. Planning your meals at home in advance also means you will only buy what you need and nothing more.

7. Buy only whole, real foods, and not processed-to-death instant junk. Don’t even think of picking up something that boldly prints “Just add water!”. More likely than not you won’t recognize 1 word from the ingredient list. Not only does this save you money, but more importantly your health too.

8. Buy based on price per gram/pound/kilos, especially if its an essential you need often. That bigger jar of peanut butter is definitely a better buy than it’s smaller counterpart.

9. Avoid disposable packaging as much as possible. Individually packed biscuits definitely cost more than regular family sized bags. Besides you can use your pretty cookie jars. No amount of plastic wrapping can beat that!

10. Go shopping alone or just with your partner. Bringing your tag team and the entire village with you means your supermarket trolley will load up on its own with things that you probably haven’t seen before in your life.

Come share your tips if you have more!

Most, if not all, are acts of kindness, but really funny if you think about it in perspective.

1. Nobody calls you by your name anymore. They go “Good morning! How are you baby?”

2. Nobody looks at you in the face anymore. They baby talk to your belly.

3. Your colleagues ask you every other day why you’re still waddling in the office. In a tone akin to asking “why are you walking around the office with an unplugged grenade?”

4. Friends insist on carrying all your stuff. Including that Snickers bar, because they are afraid you’ll over exert yourself.

5. Your mum starts buying you tents for dresses.

6. All your friends start giving you pictures of their child because they believe you’ll have a cute baby if you keep looking at the cutest one on earth.

7. Children look at your tummy and ask their parents what you had for lunch.

8. People give you words of consolation when you tell them you are expecting a girl.

9. People give you words of consolation when you tell them you are expecting a boy.

10. Every mum insists on giving you their pregnancy advice, whether you asked for it or not, and irregardless if it works. They just know.

11. Your friends start to order extra portions at the restaurant despite your protest and expect you to eat enough for 6. If you don’t finish all of it you’re made to feel like you’re an evil mum starving your baby.

12. Your friends tell you the most scientific myths ever. Like wearing yellow during your pregnancy can cause baby to get jaundice.

13. People stare at you & your coffee mug like you’ve committed murder and only let you off scott free when you mouth the word “decaf”.

Mums out there, what’s your version?

Do you remember what you were doing during the last few days leading to the millennium? Can you believe its been 10 years since Y2K (I just felt a white hair emerging from my balding scalp)? And if the 1990′s was the 20th century, what is 2011? The 21st century doesn’t quite cut it anymore, does it?

Ok grumbles aside, I’ll like to thank all my friends for sticking around for so long, and for all your unwaivering support amidst the tornadic weather. May all your dreams and fantasies come alive, and 2011 bringing you boundless happiness, health and prosperity.

I wish I had one of these swaddling blankets when I was a baby. Then maybe I would have had a chance at being completely balanced and normal. Whatever normal means.

Yes I was kidding. But it is true swaddling blankets have been all the rage these years. Some brilliant person found out that babies are more at ease and funkier when constrained and wrapped up like a present. They sleep better and longer and cry less. Because they really are the needy, insecured noise makers we think they are. :)

2-different sides with hoodies on each.

It was fun & pretty painless to make this nevertheless, and friends (you know who you are), if you are expecting a beanie of your own please ask for one from me. I’ll be more than happy to make you one. As long as you give your first born to me.

Yes I was kidding again.

Second or third born ones works just as well. Offer while stocks last.

Ok so how do you swaddle with this blankie. Let me bring on my assistant for a free demo.

First put baby on blanket with head towards the hoodie (duh!)

Fold up the opposite corner with the other hoodie and tuck baby’s chubby layered legs under it.

Fold down from the left hand corner and secure from baby’s right shoulder (doesn’t matter which side you start from)

Bring up the bottom left corner (same side where you started from) to tuck over baby’s left shoulder.

Repeat on the other side and fold down from the right hand corner and secure from baby’s left shoulder

Pull the remaining corner tight..

and wind around the back..

using the corner to tuck into the blankie.

Presto! you have a happy contented baby!

At least for a few precious minutes.

Time for yet another department fun building time! I mean team-building. This one’s really enjoyable. We get to learn new recipes, cook ‘em and have it for dinner! And the choice of Thai cuisine was totally the icing on the cake.

Don’t we look every bit the professional?

One of the finished TOTT (totally over the top) product! We made 3 other dishes but were so caught up with eating we totally forgot the pics.